Hard Times

I'm not feeling positive and hopeful about this cycle. The first IUI cycle we did I felt like Yes! This is it! It's going to work and everything will be fine! But obviously it was a bust and we didn't get a bfp.

This cycle going into the procedure yesterday I felt like Why are we doing this? It's going to be a waste of time and money.

I think having so many friends getting pregnant right now within 3 months of them starting to ttc, having no problems at all, is really starting to get to me. I feel like a terrible person, but I don't want to be near my pregnant friends right now. Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend that is 5 months pregnant and I just couldn't handle it. I cried as I drove home. I feel jealous and resentful and like the world is just playing one big practical joke on me.

I have a baby shower to attend on June 4th and I'm dreading it so bad. It's for one of my very closest friends so I don't want to bail, but if this cycle doesn't work and I have to go not pregnant it's going to be terrible. I'm afraid I'll start crying in the middle of it. I was already out of sorts when they had a gender reveal a few months ago.

Every pregnancy announcement, every baby bump picture, every newborn photo is a stab in the gut and heart and brain every time.

I'm already thinking of next steps. If this IUI fails I want to schedule a meeting with our RE to talk about next steps/IVF. DH and I have already discussed 3 IUIs will be our limit. After three we want to move on. I'm so sick of waiting. I feel like everyone else is passing us by in life and we're sitting here stagnant. I would rather pay the $10/15 grand and have better chances than keep doing IUI after IUI.