Feelings

I had my beta blood draw this morning. Now just waiting. I made sure to not schedule anything at work this afternoon so when they call to say it's negative I can just grab my purse and run to my car and have a cry.

I've been thinking a lot lately about telling people about our infertility journey (like, real people. Friends, family, not just the empty, vast internet). At first I didn't want to tell anyone. We only started to in March around the 16 month mark when my husband had his varicocele surgery (it would have been hard to keep that from his parents!). Since then we've told our close friends and I've opened up to a few coworkers as well. It's nice to have people to talk to about everything we're going through and to have people cheering for us an rooting for us to succeed. But it's also very hard to tell people when things don't work out. Especially when they can't possibly understand how it feels.

It's also hard when people say things that rub me the wrong way. I know they are trying to be helpful and, again, not going through this they can't possible understand, but things like "it will happen when it's meant to happen!" or  "there is a plan for everyone!" don't work for me.

I'm thinking ahead to our next steps. We are going to do one more IUI before moving on to IVF. My current protocol is clomid 50mg CD5-9. I've been looking into injectables but I just don't think it will be worth the cost. An injectable cycle would cost us $2000-$3000 for meds and monitoring, where as a clomid cycle is costing us $300 for meds and monitoring. I've responded pretty well to the clomid so I don't know what else injectables will do for me. It's on my list of things to talk to the dr. about, as well as scheduling a time to talk about IVF. If #3 doesn't work I want to move right on. I've read about people taking a break in between IUI and IVF to give themselves a break mentally, but I think that would make me feel worse. Like wasted time. I want to keep on keeping on.

Lastly: Look at this guy!