Michigan Left

Another CD3, another ultrasound. This one had the ultrasound tech commenting that my uterus is doing a Michigan Left #tilteduterus #michiganhumor #jokesonjokes

CD1. Again.

CD1. Again.

Oh, just when you think you're in control
Just when you think you've got a hold
Just when you get on a roll

Oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again
Oh, here it goes again
I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again
But here it goes again
Oh, oh here it goes again

Remember when posting song lyrics used to be so cool?

 

The internet has too much information!

The internet has too much information! There are so many different cycle protocols and a lot of different testing and monitoring that I was getting nervous my RE wasn't doing something they should be. I was able to talk to a nurse at my clinic office to get some additional information. Bless her, she took the time to speak with my crazy self for about 10 minutes answering all of my questions. #praisehandsemoji for great nurses.

Blood work! I asked about getting blood work done every CD3 when getting IUIs, since that seems pretty normal for a lot of people online. The nurse said with the protocol I'm on, clomid 50mg and ovidrel, it's not necessary to get new blood work every cycle. I had blood work done at the end of February which is up-to-date enough for now. If I were to go on injectables, though, I would have to get blood work every cycle while using them. I'm glad to have that cleared up!

Injectables! I asked about using injectables instead of clomid and she said based on my age and response to clomid they wouldn't recommend injectables for me since they want to "have A baby, not 5".

Testing for IVF! My last question was about any additional/updated testing we could do this coming cycle so when we meet with the Dr. on June 8th she has everything she needs to helps up decide what to do next (Have you noticed patience isn't one of my virtues? I like to have things lined up and get things done and out of the way). The nurse just said my husband should get an updated sperm analysis. Other than that we should be good to go for our meeting!

Happy Friday! It's sunny and 70 outside, it's a pay day, and we're getting ice cream tonight after dinner!

Another Negative

Yesterdays beta was negative, surprise surprise. Men are the worst at asking for directions :)

 And there's nothing like a good cry in your car and then having to go back in to work looking a hot mess!

Moving on: When AF gets here on Friday or Saturday we'll be starting IUI #3. I've considered asking my doctor about switching to injectables for this last IUI cycle but after doing a lot of research online I don't think it will be worth it. I've had good response to clomid so far so would injectables really change that? The main issue though is that the cost will be so much higher. Right now we're paying about $400 for an IUI cycle with clomid and ovidrel. With injectables a cycle would probably be in $2000-$3000 range. I'd much rather put that money towards IVF. I'll still ask about injectables at my CD3 appointment (though from what I've read, that may be too late, as it looks like most injectables are started on CD3).

And speaking of IVF! I was also able to schedule an appointment with our Dr. to discuss IVF if #3 doesn't work for June 8th. Only three weeks away! I like having something to look forward to. Having a plan makes me feel better. And now to start funding IVF if we have to go that route:

Feelings

I had my beta blood draw this morning. Now just waiting. I made sure to not schedule anything at work this afternoon so when they call to say it's negative I can just grab my purse and run to my car and have a cry.

I've been thinking a lot lately about telling people about our infertility journey (like, real people. Friends, family, not just the empty, vast internet). At first I didn't want to tell anyone. We only started to in March around the 16 month mark when my husband had his varicocele surgery (it would have been hard to keep that from his parents!). Since then we've told our close friends and I've opened up to a few coworkers as well. It's nice to have people to talk to about everything we're going through and to have people cheering for us an rooting for us to succeed. But it's also very hard to tell people when things don't work out. Especially when they can't possibly understand how it feels.

It's also hard when people say things that rub me the wrong way. I know they are trying to be helpful and, again, not going through this they can't possible understand, but things like "it will happen when it's meant to happen!" or  "there is a plan for everyone!" don't work for me.

I'm thinking ahead to our next steps. We are going to do one more IUI before moving on to IVF. My current protocol is clomid 50mg CD5-9. I've been looking into injectables but I just don't think it will be worth the cost. An injectable cycle would cost us $2000-$3000 for meds and monitoring, where as a clomid cycle is costing us $300 for meds and monitoring. I've responded pretty well to the clomid so I don't know what else injectables will do for me. It's on my list of things to talk to the dr. about, as well as scheduling a time to talk about IVF. If #3 doesn't work I want to move right on. I've read about people taking a break in between IUI and IVF to give themselves a break mentally, but I think that would make me feel worse. Like wasted time. I want to keep on keeping on.

Lastly: Look at this guy!

There is never a bad time for ice cream: CD21 Update

It's CD21/6DPIUI which means another progesterone draw. I am at 21.6 today, compared to 37.1 last month. The nurse said anything over 10 means ovulation and can support a pregnancy. I felt better about my levels last month when they were higher of course. So far I feel nothing different. No symptoms of PMS or pregnancy or clomid side or trigger side effects. One week down, one more to go.

In good news: I'm having ice cream for dinner tonight. So there's that.

Hard Times

I'm not feeling positive and hopeful about this cycle. The first IUI cycle we did I felt like Yes! This is it! It's going to work and everything will be fine! But obviously it was a bust and we didn't get a bfp.

This cycle going into the procedure yesterday I felt like Why are we doing this? It's going to be a waste of time and money.

I think having so many friends getting pregnant right now within 3 months of them starting to ttc, having no problems at all, is really starting to get to me. I feel like a terrible person, but I don't want to be near my pregnant friends right now. Yesterday I was hanging out with a friend that is 5 months pregnant and I just couldn't handle it. I cried as I drove home. I feel jealous and resentful and like the world is just playing one big practical joke on me.

I have a baby shower to attend on June 4th and I'm dreading it so bad. It's for one of my very closest friends so I don't want to bail, but if this cycle doesn't work and I have to go not pregnant it's going to be terrible. I'm afraid I'll start crying in the middle of it. I was already out of sorts when they had a gender reveal a few months ago.

Every pregnancy announcement, every baby bump picture, every newborn photo is a stab in the gut and heart and brain every time.

I'm already thinking of next steps. If this IUI fails I want to schedule a meeting with our RE to talk about next steps/IVF. DH and I have already discussed 3 IUIs will be our limit. After three we want to move on. I'm so sick of waiting. I feel like everyone else is passing us by in life and we're sitting here stagnant. I would rather pay the $10/15 grand and have better chances than keep doing IUI after IUI.

Good Luck Little Swimmers

Today was IUI #2 for us.

I woke up this morning with horrible pain on my left side. It hurt just walking around the house getting ready to go and then hurt on the car ride. Now I've had ovulation pain before but this was ridiculous! If we hadn't been going to the dr that morning I probably would have been at an urgent care it hurt so bad! The nurse didn't seem to believe me when I told her I was in so much pain. She just brushed it off like...you know have two follicles and you're ovulating right? No shit Sherlock. Why do you think I'm here. They did another scan just to make sure it wasn't a cyst or something like that. Thank goodness it was nothing, and that made me feel like a drama queen! Oh well. Better safe than sorry! My scan was at 10am this morning, about 39 hours after the ovidrel and the tech said I still haven't ovulated.

So I had two follicles on the left, today at my scan right before the IUI they were 20mm and 24mm.
I gave up on my acupuncture/no dairy/no sugar routine and grew larger follies...Now I don't have a medical degree, but I'm pretty sure that means sugar and cheese are good for me.

We had 4.6m sperm with 92% motlity. Numbers were down just a bit from last month, but with DH varicocele repair the urologist said his numbers might do that before they get better. All we need is one though. One little sperm. Come on.

Also, there's nothing quite like having the nurse with her head down at your lady bits putting a speculum in tell you you have nice calves

 #awkward

 

#acomplimentisacompliment

Juicy Follicles

Had my CD13 appointment. I have 3 small follicles on the right: 7mm, 10mm, 10mm; I have two mature follicles on the left: 19mm, 20mm. I'll trigger tonight and then we have the IUI on Thursday morning.

I totally gave up on the no dairy/no sugar diet my acupuncturist recommended and I was afraid it would affect my follicles and they wouldn't grow at all, but they did! I'm so happy for the little guys!

Good news: Clomid didn't kill me like it did last month. I didn't cry or threaten kill anyone and only had a handful of hot flashes. I'd call that a success!

I also have had some discomfort since CD 9 or 10 in my left ovary. I was really afraid they were going to find a cyst since I usually only get this feeling the day of ovulation (and of course my brain went into over drive thinking I was going to ovulate early and totally miss the iui window, because infertility brain makes me crazy).